there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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