I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
