he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
