I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
