I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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