We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
