It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
