theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
