oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
