After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
