Just took my morning after pill in the library
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
