Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
