My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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