I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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