a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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