Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
did i just pee glitter
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
