YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
