im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
