I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
