i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
