At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize