My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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