Your face is a jimmy john
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
