You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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