It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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