my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
