call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
