I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
