I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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