Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
