I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
