Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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