Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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