finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
