My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
