I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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