Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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