I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
