Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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