drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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