I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
