Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
