found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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