i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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