Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
