My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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