did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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