Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
