Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
