Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
