I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
