Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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