No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
