I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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