My hand turned me down
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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