i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
