So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
