I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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