Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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