Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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