So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i think my cat just said my name.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
