Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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